I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
