I looked at my own cervix.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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