My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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