Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
