He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
