dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
