You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
