she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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