If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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