remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
