I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
