I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
