high people should be assigned attendants
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
