This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
