I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
