I smell stomach acid.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
