Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
