you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
PANTIES FOUND
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
