just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
