If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
