the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
