i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
