I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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