Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
