he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
