I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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