just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
