If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
