I'm pants shitting drunk right now
wrigley field is MILF paradise
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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