It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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