Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
