I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
