Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
