I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
