Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
