God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
