so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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