WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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