Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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