I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
