Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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