He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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