plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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