He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
