Please, let me fuck your mom
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
