mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
