do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
