i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
