I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
