Non-Jews are for practice
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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