Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
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I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
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we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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