nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
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Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
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Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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