Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
