I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
