he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
