you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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