I feel like I'm in dance class right now
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
