I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
