NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
do herpes really smell.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
