tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
