God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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