This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
