So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
